Calgary to replace Edmonton as capital of former Alberta

Big changes in the big country

Mar 23rd, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Featured

Former Alberta

In what is seen as a move to wrong-foot the burgeoning Wildrose Alliance Alberta Premier Ed Stelmach has dissolved the province.

“It satisfies advocates of smaller Government ,” said an unnamed spokesperson. “They will still have to contend with the meddling of a few hold-out municipal authorities with their stifling regulations and the larger evil of the Canadian state, but as for Alberta itself, no government is the best government.

The former province will be a protectorate of several large oil and gas concerns.   The Capital of the Protectorate, initially proposed as Houston, Texas has, in a compromise, been named as Calgary. “This only makes sense,” said the spokesperson, “Calgary is where the oil leadership and their trophy wives feel most comfortable.  Face it, Edmonton is hicksville and the hockey team is an embarrassment.”

Premier Stelmach is thought to have made the bold move to thwart the ambitions of the upstart Wildrose Alliance.  The Wildrose Alliance was winning favour with Alberta’s powerful oil and gas lobby and was consistently polling higher than the moribund provincial Conservative Party.

Initial reaction to the change seems positive. “It has taken years of work by the petroleum industry to convince the people of former Alberta that massive profits by oil companies and environmental degradation were Christian values,” said the spokesperson. “Getting Government out of the way of unchecked resource extraction is the first smart thing Eddie has done.  We are going to set about draining Alberta like it was giant cyst.”  The spokesperson went on to explain that while multinational petrocorps are the largest and most profitable companies on the planet, the business remains a marginal one.

The dissolution of the Province also puts an end to recent controversy surrounding the royalty regime for oil and gas. “We no longer have to better resource giveaways in Saskatchewan, B.C. and Newfoundland,” said an unnamed official, “the whole thing went sideways when someone from the Premier’s office visited Norway and came back with all these crazy ideas about the state owning its natural  resources.”

“Big Oil assumes complete ownership,” said J. D. Bodine Jr., an industry spokesman, “and those people from Eastern Canada or Eastern Europe that immigrated here will maintain their dwellings unharassed, though there is a moratorium on new settlements.”   Mr. Bodine maintained that aboriginal populations in former Alberta are a myth.

After winding up the Province’s affairs Mr. Stelmach is expected to take a senior position with a major petroleum concern in Nigeria.

– Coco Cabrera

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