Clinton Cadges Cannon’s Cojones

Pre­cisely how Sec­re­tary Clin­ton obtained Min­is­ter Cannon’s tes­ti­cles and whether she intends to return them is unknown

Mar 31st, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Lead Article

In a move that has stunned diplomatic circles Hillary Clinton, the Secretary of State for the United States, has left Canada in possession of Canadian Minister of Foreign Affairs Lawrence Cannon’s testicles.

Whether Cannon’s testicles were taken in anger, for ransom or even as a trophy is uncertain.  What is known is Ms. Clinton’s deepening dissatisfaction with Canada over  the course of her official visit.  The trip got off to a poor start when, in an unusual rebuke to a  host country, Secretary Clinton publicly stated that she felt Canadian officials had erred in not inviting representatives of Iceland, Sweden, Finland and Aboriginal Populations to a conference of the Arctic Council.  Later the Secretary’s view that Canada should remain with the United States in the Afghanistan quagmire was dismissed out of hand by Minister Cannon and Prime Minister Steve Harper.  Secretary Clinton was said to be surprised by the curt tone of the Canadians.

More aggravating to Clinton was the Canadian Government’s attitude to women’s reproductive rights in the context of “maternal health”.  Ms. Clinton was said to be shocked by the Canadian Government view that, while a woman’s body is her own, her uterus is “God’s launching pad” or, in the developing world, “the church’s turf.”  Ms. Clinton was also thought to be insulted when the CBC, Canada’s Ontario Broadcaster, sent an aging VJ named George Stroumboulopoulos to interview her, rather than a more senior journalist with experience in international affairs.  Questions by Stroumboulopoulos about whether Secretary Clinton thought Lady Gaga “has a dick” and if she thought “Nickleback sucked” were judged inappropriate.

The matter came to a head just before Ms. Clinton was scheduled to depart.  URNews has been unable to confirm rumours that Secretary Clinton was no longer able to contain her rage at the Canadians when Junior Cabinet Minister and hysteric Helena Guergis volunteered that Mrs. Clinton had lost her bid for the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination by wearing “loud pantsuits that made her look like Jason Kenney in Hull on a Saturday night.”

Precisely how Secretary Clinton obtained Minister Cannon’s testicles and whether she intends to return them is unknown.   Lobby efforts by Canada’s Ambassador to the United States, Gary Doer, to repatriate the glands are said to have already commenced.  An unnamed State Department official says the matter is one of low priority as it was understood testicles were  “superfluous” in the Conservative caucus.

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