Red Mitten Brigades

Vancouver in denial

Mar 29th, 2010 | By Paul Moth | Category: Featured

Following the almost “crack-like high” of the Winter Olympics and Paralympics, Greater Vancouver finds itself at a low ebb.

Thousands of athletes, trainers and tourists have left the Wet Coast city and locals just are not filling the gaps.

“The over-priced souvenirs, the scandalously expensive meals, there’s no one there to pick up the slack,” says Grent Toffler-Ganz, head of Vancouver’s Downtown Development Council. “When the high-fliers were here from Norway and Japan and China, and we had all those television execs on expense accounts, the atmosphere was euphoric.  Now, with the junkies and homeless back, it’s a bummer.”

Along with the unpleasant climate,  the high cost of living and the city’s remote location, Vancouver’s citizens now feel the extra weight of maintaining the pretense that it is a wonderful place to live.  “I feel obliged to continually trumpet how great things are here,” said Vancouver native Bernard Krenfeld, “and to unfavourably compare life in the rest of Canada to what we’ve got going.  But in truth, keeping this forced smile after six days of steady rain, it’s wearing me down.  Winnipeg is starting to look good.”

Several instances of Vancouverites harassing natives of Ontario have been reported. “This woman from Vancouver just started shoving me and asking how far I had to drive from Toronto to ski, and what was the sushi like,” claimed wet-eyed Heather Reese of Windsor, Ontario. “She said the pot from Ontario was shit. I’m allergic to fish and I don’t even do drugs.”

“Not since the Canucks folded in game 7 against the Rangers in `94 have people been so down,” says Toffler-Ganz.

This generalized civic malaise is thought to be related to another mass phenomenon, the Red Mitten Brigades.  “They either cannot or will not acknowledge that the games are over,” said an unnamed municipal official, “they just keep cheering for events that are not actually occurring, their red mittened hands waving like lobsters in boiling water.  It’s sad and kind of spooky.”

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