A New Heavy Element

Discovered living in a squat in Riga, girls love it

Apr 20th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Science and Technology

Swiss scientists at the Granlicka Institute have discovered a new heavy element.

“This is the heaviest element we have discovered so far,” said Project Leader Gunter Krebs. “It’s listening almost exclusively to totally “out” Roswell Rudd lately after going through an Archie Shepp/Roscoe Mitchell phase.”

The element was discovered living in a squat in Riga having abandoned first Berlin and then Krakow as tedious bastions of the establishment.  The element lived briefly in St. John’s, Newfoundland but left soon after oil was discovered offshore and the city was deemed to have prospects.

The element is a master of Korean fungi cuisine and is writing an enormous prose poem about Pier Paulo Pasolini’s final orgasm, in backwards sonnets. It refuses to publish.

“The element should have been easy to detect,” said Krebs, “wearing, as it does, only blaze orange woolens, but then look for it at night in Riga.”

The element will be named “Gerrydunnonium” after its last pseudonym.

While Gerrydunnonium has a very short half-life, girls are attracted to its mystery.

Shelly Byrne spoke for women in their twenties everywhere when she said, “My mother is so wrong about Gerrydunnonium.  Sure, maybe he didn’t say much at lunch but that’s ’cause he’s not superficial and was wickedly hungover.”

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