Canadian Public a Security Risk

Journalists to be transferred to Afghan authorities

Apr 7th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Featured

Deeming the Canadian Public an unreasonable risk to the nation’s security, the Government has barred them from hearings related to the transfer of Afghan detainees.

“The Canadian public cannot be trusted with this sort of information,” said an official from the Military Police Complaints Commission. “It’s complicated stuff, over their heads. Besides, it’s super-duper top-secret and the public will probably just blab it all over the place, especially if it’s, like, gross stuff like electrocuting dudes’ balls and pulling out their fingernails.”   Officials added that information likely to be revealed in the hearing would show that the Government knew it was  transferring Afghans detainees to authorities who would torture them. This would suggest to the public that its Government was implicated in war crimes and had systematically covered up that fact. “The public would get very upset if it were to learn that,” said the official. “Why bother them? Let them have a beer and watch the game.  The public has had a hard day.”

Ottawa

Journalists hoping to cover the hearings have also been barred.  But in an apparent compromise Canadian Government officials have said they are willing to transfer them to the same Afghan authorities implicated. “It isn’t reasonable for us to speak for the Afghan security officials so we are offering Canadian journalists an opportunity to find out for themselves, first hand, what is going on over there. What could be more open and transparent than that?”  Journalists will first be held, hooded and shackled, for 24 hours before being handed over to the Afghans.  “As in the case of the detainees, the hoods and shackles are for their protection. Those hoods are, like, the equivalent of SPF 60.”

Officials did not see any contradiction in barring the public from public hearings.  “Everybody accepts that “public hearings” means public in the abstract, not in the sense of all the people out there.”

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