China Has Your Viewing History

Threaten to reveal all

Apr 7th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: News

State-sponsored Chinese agents have responded to charges that they “hacked” into sensitive Indian Defense and Security computers with a threat to reveal the viewing history of the West.  The intrusion into Indian cyberspace was accidentally discovered by three graduate students at the University of Toronto while playing with their Wii.

“Any further allegations or discussion of the matter will result in our publishing every degenerate web site you have ever visited” said a Chinese official. “The Canadian busybodies will pay a price”.

To demonstrate that their technicians had acquired the viewing history of every computer in the world, the Chinese security service released those of three randomly selected Canadian citizens.

“Some of the goofs at the plant sent me those addresses, ” said Bernard Fine of Peterborough when confronted with evidence of several pornographic sites he had visited. “I think two-girls-one-cup is disgusting,  I am so not into that.  The cock-and-ball torture stuff was definitely my brother-in-law Ches, who was staying with us.”

Marvin Wingfield of Toronto asserted his continual viewing of foodie websites was a legitimate part of his research in Political Science at York University.  “As for that weirdo gay porn and fantasy baseball, it must have been a grad student or a teaching assistant who was in here.”

Diane Stiller of Montreal said it was her niece and not her that had visited over three hundred sites related to the Twilight Series of teen books and movies. “I haven’t even heard of this Robert Pattinson guy,” said Ms. Stiller.  URNews has confirmed that Ms. Stiller does not have a niece.

Canadian Government officials have been quick to try and find a resolution. “Leave the Chinese alone, okay,” said an unnamed official from the Prime Minister’s Office. “It was a little bit of espionage. All governments do it.  I mean, is there any need to know people’s viewing history?  And there are many, many people who come and go at the P.M.O.  It could be the cleaning staff or some back bencher. Sure Mike Duffy’s in here every week, he says he just wants to check his email. I don’t look over his shoulder. The Chinese government has no place in the browsing history of our nation.”

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