Christians rejoice in killing Ontario sex-ed

Sexual education is best explained by a religious leader in the privacy of a locked office in the place of worship on a sleep-over retreat weekend

Apr 28th, 2010 | By Heber Dolphy | Category: Featured, News

URNews has been unable to determine the provenance of the following letter which appears to reference the campaign by Charles McVety, President of the Canadian Christian College, to stop the Ontario Department of Education from adopting a new sexual education curriculum.

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

I write you today filled with joy.

We, and other religious and political leaders, achieved a great victory this week.

We have been successful in stopping the Ontario government from introducing a sexual education program that was tantamount to state-sanctioned corruption of minors.

This new curriculum would have exposed children as young as 14 to the theory of “vaginal lubrication,” despite the fact that when it comes to the existence of vaginal lubrication the science is incomplete.

This proposed curriculum would require children in grade one to properly identify all of their body parts, including the ones down there.

It is only ecause a coalition of leaders from all faiths came together as one in an act of ecumenical bukkake that a tragedy was averted.

Many religions in this province have deep rooted belief systems that must be accommodated by Ontario tax payers.

The active Somali contingent in our coalition does not want little girls in grade one being taught how to identify a clitoris – and rightly so. In their faith, girls do not traditionally learn what a clitoris is until grade three, long after it has been removed in a religious ceremony. How’s that for awkward!

Many of our Muslim friends are upset that under this curriculum children would be exposed to the existence of the forehead, ears, arms, legs and torsos of adult women; shameful body parts they believe are best hidden from the world under black cloaks.

Speaking personally, as an adherent of a faith of my own invention, I believe that when  a child becomes curious about their private parts, sometimes as early as age 12, it is a parents that should inform them of the proper terms; wee wees for the boys and front bums for the girls.

This is not a new or radical concept. The fact is that sexual education is something best explained by a parent to a child in the home and, barring that,  by a religious leader in the privacy of a locked office in the place of worship on an organized sleep-over retreat weekend.

We do realize that times are changing. Children of yesteryear did not have to deal with the evils of the internet, the media, pornography or, if you believe my Amish friends, the zipper.

If you as a parent are nervous about talking to your child about the subject of reproductive health, please write for my latest pamphlet “Yes, seminal fluid comes from the spine -100 straight answers to childrens’ questions about sex.”  This is a follow up to my previous publication, “The Punishment Enema.”

Despite Premier McGuinty’s submission, our work is not done. This entire experience has inspired me to take a closer look at what is going on in our schools.

Did you know that children as young as five are being taught mathematics in our schools?  While we are not against the concept of mathematics we simply feel that exposure to such a subject remain age appropriate and the curriculum be designed to accommodate our personal beliefs.

As Christians we would simply like the numeral six removed from the curriculum. Numbers one through five and numbers seven through ten can remain. As we all know one six (6) can lead to two sixes (66) and before you know it children are experimenting with the dreaded ménage à trois of sixes (666) – clearly identified in the gospel as the number of the beast.

Therefore we propose a simple change in the current curriculum where children simply do not learn of the existence of the numeral six until grade nine (bear in mind grade nine would actually be grade eight as we know it now as there would be no grade six). We believe children should move from grade five directly to grade seven. It is our belief that children should enter grade six only after they finish grade eleven (the current grade ten) It is also at this point, at age 18 (the current age 17) that boys will be taught that if they experience nocturnal emissions this is nothing to be alarmed about it. It is just a completely natural way of being told that God is disappointed in them,  nothing that prayer and nightly ice baths can’t solve.

So at this point I would like to thank you for your never-ending support. I would like to thank Conservative leader Tim Hudak for having the wisdom to do what we tell him and thank Dalton McGuinty for having such a weak spine (see above – ha ha).

Please stay tuned for an announcement in the coming weeks about our campaign to have exorcists placed in Ontario’s public schools along side school nurses.

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