Detainee Dilemma Derails Department’s Defense

Accusations have become more in newly acquired material

Apr 1st, 2010 | By Paul Moth | Category: News, Politics has gained access to further files from Ottawa on the disastrous Afghan detainee situation.

Following the release to Parliament and the press of over 8,000 pages of new information, urNews researchers discovered a plain banker’s box jammed with damning newer material in the Press Lounge.

The first few pages of these top-secret classified documents plainly show that beginning in 2006, to quote reports “we’ve been paying these yahoos plenty! Look at these spreadsheets: 2500 to Wali; 1200 to Razkai; 2000 to Zrkai; 1500 to Suleman (the faggot!); 2300 to the school so’s we can take publicity pictures in there, for fuck’s sake; there is no end to the greed and manipulation.  Turn the page: the dope dealers get money, too!  At least we get dope in return.”

Both the minister and the chief of staff in Afghanistan in the past have tried to deny reports that “after we turned these assholes over to the other assholes, they take them over the ridge.  We go for a double double frap, then lob a few mortar rounds over the ridge …Talibanbits!” and “some enlisted men do not like hockey.  Now I’m not going to say they are less than men, but as someone in charge of personnel, I would now want any of my ‘men’ sleeping in the same tent as someone who’s not hot for Don Cherry.”

URNews also makes, for the first time, the startling revelation that “the food and the drink on base leaves much to be desired. The locals are eating elsewhere and our Tim Hortons profits are diminishing. The Mercedes dealership has appreciated; local dope growers see the Merc as more of a power symbol than the Escalade – this is lucky for camp major, the fucker hasn’t got one G500 left!”]

This damaging information appears on page 5: “we got all dressed up in burqas and farooshes and turbans and such, left the weapons behind, and wandered through the market hurling abuse at the assembled villagers … in English!  Man, did that get their attention! Then we went back to the TAPV, got the guns, and then shot the place up. They didn’t know what to make of us. Back to the base for a double double.”

Reached for comment, the Prime Minister’s office admitted everything.

More from as it becomes available.

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