Ethical Crisis at PETA

Lousy Animal Lovers

Apr 11th, 2010 | By Heber Dolphy | Category: Lead Article

Animal urge

Penelope Cruise, Media Relations Officer for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), spoke yesterday about the ethical crisis facing the organization’s executive.  “An unnamed member attended the November 17 board meeting unaware she had head lice.  I can confirm that the entire PETA Board of Directors is now lousy.” The press conference, held at PETA’s vermin infested Norfolk, Virginia headquarters, came amid reports of growing friction and itchiness in the organization.  “It’s been a trial for some of our people with hair,” said Cruise, “they are suffering the most.”

PETA’s self-proclaimed “uncompromising stance on cruelty to animals” means that any board member who killed the lice living on their scalp would be obliged to step down and surrender their membership.

“It’s ghastly how lice are exterminated,” said PETA member Linda Bullock.  “They are either poisoned or suffocated.  Their unhatched eggs are crushed or destroyed by toxins.”

As the lice continue to multiply and spread there is word that there will be an effort to humanely remove and relocate the lice to other hosts.

“We have looked at a number of methods of getting the lice and their eggs out,” said Cruise, her shirt stained red from bedbug bites, “and are talking to people in Bangladesh willing to provide them with good homes.”

Cruise also announced the formation of an adjunct organization, “Celebrities for the Ethical Treatment of Actors and other Celebrities, Entertainers and Artists” or “CETACEA”.  CETACEA will advocate for celebrities who feel they are under-appreciated by their audience or not taken seriously enough by the general public.

– Coco Cabrera with additional files by Paul Moth

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