JUNO Aftermath Horror
Panicking Musicians Flee Volcano Spawned BarbarismApr 19th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Featured, News
There were scenes of panic last evening at St. John’s International Airport as cowardly Canadian musicians, media figures and politicians jumped queues in order to flee the remote possibility of volcanic ash from Iceland reaching Newfoundland at some unspecified time in the future. The early departure of the Air Canada planes carrying the celebrities and their hangers-on left ordinary ticket holders stranded.
Tween pornography star Justin Bieber and Heritage Minister James “Notoriously Big” Moore were among those rushing to the airport in the middle of the night lest they spend as many as three days on the isolated north Atlantic island. “There have been stories, albeit unconfirmed, that those left behind could be traded into entertainment slavery here in Newfoundland,” said a publicist for jug-eared crooner Michael Bublé. “They’ve been known to “force jig” performers stuck here.” “Forced Jigging” is the outlawed island practice of compelling, through brutal coercive techniques, singers, dancers or actors to perform unseemly Newfoundland folk arts.
Bublé is said to have started the late night flight of ill-informed and irrational “show people” with erroneous comments about the approach of the ash cloud he made during the JUNO ceremonies. The JUNOs are yet another awards show; they celebrate mainstream success in Canadian industrial music.
“It got a little crazy down there last going off,” said a member of Industry Minister Tony “Flava Dweeb” Clement’s entourage. “Because of ice conditions, the Newfoundlanders have been without the seal meat that is their staple. Some have resorted to cannibalism.”
There were unconfirmed reports early this morning that a mob had spit-roasted and eaten aging CBC radio host Jian Ghomeshi. “I understand he was pleading with them that he could sing, that he was willing to be “jigged”, and then he started in on some old Moxy Fruvous numbers. That just made the mob crazy, so they ate him.” The roast was hosted by Ben Mulroney.
Newfoundland Premier Danny Williams raged against the earth’s mantle, promising his tirade would continue on a “go forward basis”.
There is no word on when order might be restored in St. John’s. At last report the cloud of volcanic ash was 1000 kilometers east of Newfoundland.