Putting it in the Hole

Tiger on the prowl again

Apr 5th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Sports

The PGA  is worried that the return of Tiger Woods to the golf world at the Masters on Thursday may be too late to quell the growing sense that the game is pointless and boring and that it may, all too closely, resemble life.

Unnamed senior management with the PGA tour say they have been working overtime to suppress stories that claim golf is a ridiculous pastime that only points out the essential meaninglessness of existence. ‘There have been existential problems for years,” said an unnamed official, “the essence of the game, hitting a little ball with a stick in the hope of knocking into a tiny hole – I mean, why?  And having to repeat this exercise an arbitrarily assigned 18 times? We’re surprised people haven’t been asking tough questions sooner.”

The stakes are high. Golf is a multi-billion dollar business. If the sport is recognized as meaningless then people may be less willing to pay exorbitant fees, purchase expensive equipment and wake at ungodly hours to play the game.

Officials also point to Woods’ disgrace as a compounding factor in “opening up the can of worm holes in meaning.”

“First there is Tiger’s own seemingly unfulfillable search for purpose through the tireless reaming of an endless stream of cocktail waitresses” said a spokesperson, “and then there the fact that the entire world was fascinated with what a guy who plays golf does with his penis. God forbid humanity looks in a mirror.”

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