BP Reassures America

Enviromental degradation will last mere generations

May 31st, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Featured

A spokesperson for BP has reassured a wary and angry America that any environmental damage to the Gulf of Mexico caused by the hydrocarbons gushing from its Deepwater Horizon oil well will only last several human generations.

“Rest assured that even if the spill continues unabated for months and all life in the Gulf is effectively killed off, the oil will eventually disperse and deteriorate.  That process may only take hundreds of years,” said the masked spokesperson.

BP officials asked that the public put the spill in its proper context, a geological one.  “The stuff leaking into the Gulf was created by the compression of decaying organic matter between 300 and 400 million years ago. In terms of the age of the earth, any ecological catastrophe down there looks puny.  Letting Mother Nature clean-up her own mess is the smart way to go. We didn’t make that oil, the earth did.”

BP officials offered that extinguishing life, the root cause of oil, could prevent future spills hundreds of millions of years in the future.

“BP has a fiduciary responsibility to its shareholders. That’s basically it.  I don’t think Americans would want us assuming responsibility for the earth and its environment. We know our boundaries.”

Speculation that BP will apply for bank-bailout style government funding to aid in the recovery remain unconfirmed. Executive bonuses for the handling of the Deepwater horizon spill are, however,  in the pipeline. “If we can save our shareholders money by having the American public pay for this then I think we will confirm what sort of corporate citizen we are.”

Share this!