Getting Off Harper’s C-9 Omnibus

Bill includes provisions for "National Business" and bride for Jason Kenney

May 30th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Politics

Among the more bizarre clauses in the Harper Government’s Omnibus legislation, the 904 page Bill C-9, are a provision that “Big Oil” be designated Canada’s “National Business” and one that calls for the eventual winding up of The State.

“The State is leftist hooey,” said conservative spokesman Dunning Kruger. “And as for a National Business, I mean, why not?  Don’t we, like, have a National Bird, and isn’t the beaver Canada’s national … what is a beaver, is it a rodent?”

Opposition parties and rogue Senators want the Bill broken up.  NDP leader Jack Layton has challenged Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff to join him in rejecting the bill and possibly triggering a Federal election.   Dunning Kruger dismissed Layton’s threats as empty. “I’m on the Hill all the time.  I was on an elevator with Iggy once and felt him up.  He has no balls.”

The Bill also identifies Canada Post as a bulwark of communism, strips Newfoundland Premier Danny Williams of Canadian citizenship and fixes Minister of Citizenship Jason Kenney up with a wife.  The bill stipulates that “an Alberta virgin, not a Jew, will marry Jason Kenney at the earliest opportunity.” “Jason’s a real shock trooper for our party,” said Kruger. “But this bachelor act of his causes a lot of our more faith-obsessed membership, our real base, to ask questions. If Jason scores a convincing beard, he could one day be leader of the great Conservative Party of Canada.”

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