Kulturkampf’s Kandahar

Iggy would lose culture war

May 14th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Featured

Political strategists for the moribund Liberal Party of Canada are telling their troops to stand down after determining that a “culture war” in Canada would be lost.

“Trying to win an election on progressive versus conservative values in this country is doomed to failure.” said Liberal strategist Dan Furst. “We’ve taken the measure of the nation and it is now, in the main, populated by hicks, religious fanatics and reactionary dingdongs.”

The culture war was going to be waged on three main fronts: the role of the state in the Canada; individual versus collective rights, and; the fuzzier “values”.  On all these, the Liberal Party was seen as at odds with Canadians.

Dunning Kruger, a Conservative Party strategist, agreed with his Liberal counterpart. “Why do you think we jumped on this “culture war” question when the Liberals raised it?  When we tell our growing base that the CBC is against God, we always poll well.  When the Liberals come to the defense of the CBC, they look like the devil worshipers they are.” ( CBC stands for “Canadian Broadcasting Corporation”, the organization was once Canada’s National Public Broadcaster. )

The core of the Liberal platform remains their entitlement to govern. However, shifts in the beliefs of Canadians may mean changes to the options the Party puts before the country.  “We have to be tough on crime,” says Furst, “despite the fact that rates are in decline.  We have to cut our ties to the fairies and artists and women. We are going to have to acknowledge that Stockwell Day at least has a point or is correct in his assertion the earth is only 6000  years old.  The Conservatives can’t own those kinds of misconceptions. We’re Liberals. Our first concern is getting power and staying put for at least a decade.”

“These morons picked a Professor as their leader,” says Kruger. “While the nation has become profoundly anti-intellectual!   They’re so out of touch they still believe in wacky ideas like public heath care and collective bargaining and the state. There are four riders on the night wind. Vic Toews knows that. The Liberals must discover this soon.”

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