Play Electrifies Ball Game

Sparks fly when Phillies face Cards

May 5th, 2010 | By Paul Moth | Category: Sports

The Philadelphia Phillies have a new secret weapon in their quest to win the National League East pennant and go to the World Series for the third year in a row.

Tasers.

During a game against the St. Louis Cardinals earlier this week, Phillies’ relief pitcher Ian Duncombe faced a sticky situation in the ninth inning – two out, two men in scoring position, his team up by only one run, and the feared Albert Pujols, three-time MVP, coming to the plate.

Catcher Dwielle Castro faced a quandary. “I thought, what the fuck am I gonna do? Pujols is a monster.”

Duncombe said “my fast ball was straight and my breaking stuff wasn’t breaking. We’re screwed.”

Bench coach Julio Lego made the decision. “I know Pujols trouble, si. Duncombe not working. (Manager Tony) LaRussa have no one warm in pen. I go with last option.”

Lego gave the sign.

“I didn’t believe it at first,” said Castro. “I mean, we kidded around about it in spring training, but I never thought we’d use it in the regular season.”

Duncombe was now out of the equation. Lego had given the Taser signal.

“I’ve been carrying a C 2 under my chest protector all season,” admitted Castro. “But it was supposed to be for emergency situations only.”

Lego had decided the emergency had arrived.

“The count went full on Pujols,” said Duncombe. “Dwielle called for a fast ball. Man, I just closed my eyes and threw it as hard as I could.”

“I’m guessing Ian’s arm was done by now, his head certainly was. The ball was coming straight down the heart of the plate,” said Castro. “I could see Pujols’s eyes light up. There was drool at the corner of his mouth as he licked his lips.”

It was then that Castro made baseball history.

“I pulled out the gun and shot him in the thigh.”

Pujols went down in a cloud of infield dust, the umpire called a strike, Philadelphia had won the game.

“I’m not saying we’ll do it every game,” said Castro, “but when coach Lego calls for it, I’m going to be ready.”

Major League Baseball has yet to respond to a taser in play.  There is nothing in the rule book to preclude  its use.  In 1911 the rules were amended to prohibit firearms.  The change came after the famous Horner Yards Massacre when legendary left-hander Henry “Hot Trousers” Dupry was killed in the crossfire of a gun battle between first baseman Tiny Talbot La Rue and Samual “Stinks” Maddison, the baserunner on third.  Maddison was mortally wounded but fell, dying, on home plate to score the winning run for the Albany Viscounts.

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