Toronto Police Will Deploy Fecal Cannon

Long Range Fecal Device reserved for G20 disruption

May 27th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: News

click here g”>Some of the over one billion dollars being spent for security during the upcoming G20 meeting in Toronto will go toward the acquisition of Long Range Fecal Devices or LRFDs.  The rapid response mobile cannon will collect waste from the G20 leaders and their vast coteries and discharge concentrated blasts at disruptive protesters or cranky anti-capitalism demonstrators.

“The LRFD is, for reasons I don’t think I have to explain, a tremendously effective crowd control tool,” said Toronto Police spokesman Karol Bundin. “But it’s also a green aggressive technology in that it will reuse and recycle some of the shit coming out of the conference.”

Long Range Acoustic Devices, “sonic cannons,” were used for crowd control when the G20 met in Pittsburgh.  “It deafened and dispersed people who got the idea to assemble,” said Bundin. “But in the end it probably made them angrier and more determined.  These are mostly radicals who have no time for the leaders of the world’s industrial economies, leaders who they perceive as working for Transnational corporations.  The Fecal cannon adds degradation and humiliation to our arsenal … no pun intended.”

Larger scale Fecal weapons are thought to have been developed by the American military. Pakistan is known to have several particularly lethal fecal bombs.

“It’s unfortunate, yet entirely predictable, that the power-heads will tar all demonstrators with the same toilet brush,” says Lydia-Lee Chung-Silverstein, a spokesperson for the anti-capitalist group We Want Change. “Our group and many others espouse non-violent means of protest and disruption. This response from them just stinks.”

“We get enough of their shit as it is,” adds Gregoire St. Dusaine, a representative of Homes For All, an organization lobbying for decent shelter for the poor.

The LRFC is a distance device, and Security services have also purchased Pisstols and Vomitons for use when they are in closer contact with crowds.

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