Harper’s G20 Revenge Strategy

PM never forgives slight, lengthy enemies list committed to memory

Jun 5th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Featured

Is Canada’s extravagant hosting of the 2010 G20 an elaborate scheme for Prime Minister Steve Harper to seek revenge on well known industrialized nation pranksters Silvio Berlusconi and Angela Merkel?  That is the supposition of former URNews correspondent turned independent investigative reporter, Valerie Dingle.

Dingle lays out her theory in an as-yet-unpublishable feature article entitled “Prisoner of London Loo: Harper’s Bathroom Humiliation.”  In the piece, Dingle reports conjecture surrounding the Canadian Prime Minister’s unexplained absence from the official photograph of 2009 G20 leaders  in London, England.  As Dingle has it, a prank was cooked up by Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi and German Chancellor Merkel to keep Harper from the photo-op.  At a scheduled breakfast meeting with Harper, Merkel slipped several chocolate-flavoured laxatives into the Prime Minister’s regular morning Coco Puffs.  The laxative was the powerful German Blitzstuhlgang brand, available only on prescription.  Ten minutes before the official photo was to be taken, Berlusconi applied Crazy Glue to the toilet seat in one of three cubicles in the nearest washroom.  To insure that Harper used the cubicle with the booby trapped seat, Russia’s Prime Minister Vladimir Putin and Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono pretended to be using the other two. (Putin claims he was actually using the lavatory, a claim supported by Yudhoyono.)

G20 hijinx ensued; laughter was not the only thing emanating from the men’s room; and the photo-op for the meetings became the G19.

Dingle claims the astronomical security cost of over $1 billion for the Toronto G20 is not the price of keeping protesters out, but of keeping the G20 leaders in.  Obsessed with  having been being laughed at by his fellow leaders during the London meeting, Harper plans a two-day long torment.  Harper is said to have acquired 20 high voltage joy-buzzers used by Canadian Forces on Afghan detainees.  These will be deployed when Harper greets each leader as he or she arrives in Toronto. Seats around the conference table have been fitted with built-in whoopee cushions that can be refilled by remote control.  The chair reserved for Chancellor Merkel contains a custom-made 8 liter Fauxflats rubber bladder with a Blunderspritz “wet nozzle”.  The pens used to sign the joint communique at the conclusion of the conference have been filled with a special disappearing ink.  Representatives of the PMO are alleged to have made arrangements with a Toronto Pizzeria to deliver 40 extra large pies, with “Hawaiian” topping,  to the Italian delegation at 3 am the day they arrive.

Plans are being developed to stage a mock terrorist attack in the middle of the night so that the leaders will be forced to evacuate their accommodations over flaming paper bags containing human waste collected from Senator Mike Duffy.

Harper, anxious that his scheme remains secret,  is said to be delighted with the widely held misapprehension that the security spending is a demonstration of his power to impose a police state on the people of Toronto should they not support his party in the next Federal election.

Share this!