Toronto the Next Halifax
Fetid Lake Harper leech ridden, malarialJun 9th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: News
Minister of Industry Tony Clement (Panayi) pointed to the Halifax, Nova Scotia 1995 G8 as a model of a successful international circle-jerk and photo-op. “There you had the case of a moderately boring Canadian city getting fleeting international exposure as a place capable of becoming a police state. With the kind of dough we’re dropping, Toronto could be the next Halifax.”
But the Industry Minister dodged questions about massive spending in his own riding. “I know nothing about no Gazebo. Is that, like, that cold Spanish soup?”
Pressure on the Conservatives grew yesterday when potential cost overruns associated with the creation of an artificial lake were revealed. Hydrological specialists have pointed out that the waters of the lake will be stagnant and so an ideal breeding ground for leeches. Further, as most of the journalists watching the World Cup at the G20 will be arriving from overseas via air, there is a prospect they will unwittingly bring with them malarial mosquitoes which will find the still water to their liking. To prevent an outbreak of disease, conference organizers have decided to fill “Lake Harper” with effervescent water, most likely the Italian San Pellegrino brand.
The artificial “Lake Harper” was originally intended to deflect international attention away from the deplorable state of Lake Ontario, some yards away. Yesterday, URNews erroneously reported that Lake Harper was fabricated to provide a means of eliminating and concealing the bodies of potential Conservative leadership aspirants Jim Prentice and Maxime “Boom Boom” Bernier.
In related news, Prime Minister Steve Harper is said to be increasingly sullen about the entire G20 affair. This year’s meeting is certain to be exceedingly downbeat as most of the participants are mired in debt and the “industrialized” parts of their economies in dire condition. “This is going to be the all-time bummer G20,” said an unnamed spokesperson. “And Steve is the loser left footing the bill.”