Hockey To Be Obligatory

Tim Hortons Apple Fritter to be Canada's National Food

Sep 10th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Sports

The controversy over the prospective Federal Government subsidization of Quebecor’s efforts to bring the Quebec Nordiques back to Quebec City is just part of a much larger strategy to make hockey an integral and inescapable aspect of everyday life in Canada.  The Prime Minister’s Office will not deny that it is poised to draft and introduce legislation to make the playing or watching of hockey an obligation of Canadian citizenship.

Suicide Pact

The move is seen as a tactical masterstroke in Steve Harper’s obsession with wrong-footing the Liberals.  “They can’t very well come out against hockey, can they?” taunted spokesman Dunning Kruger.  Liberal spokesman Pepe “Pee-Wee” Lalonde characterized the legislation as a diversion.  “They have so many chuffy gay guys running the party they are looking for anything to appear butch.”

But leaked sections of the draft legislation look like anything but a diversion.  It will be a crime to disparage the game of hockey in Canada, an offense defined broadly enough to make it illegal to complain that the NHL season is too long, or that there are too many commercials in their telecasts.

The so-called “It’s Our Game” laws are part of a series of actions by the Harper Government to define what life in Canada should be.  Another bill was set to make the Tim Hortons Dutchie the National Food of Canada but the plan was scrapped when some Conservative backbenchers said they thought the fried dough confection might have come from the Netherlands.  A new law is being written with the Tim’s Apple Fritter assuming the title.

Senator Mike Duffy will remain Canada’s National Buffoon.

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