RCMP Comish Trained To Be Deadly

Learned lethal Pakistani tit-flogging technique

Sep 10th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Featured

URNews has learned that in addition to receiving weapons training so that he could carry a sidearm while in Afghanistan, R.C.M.P. Commissioner William Elliot learned deadly special forces techniques in hand-to-manboob combat.

Elliot received the “special” training from the R.C.M.P.’s secretive J-OFF 17 unit.  “Commissioner Elliot is a big man blessed with buxomness,” said a source. “We look to any candidate’s particular assets and try to capitalize on those.”

grouchy pants

The lethal tit-flogging technique — battering an assailant with a series of furious sideways blows from the vigorous shaking of the chest — was brought to the Canadian security services from Pakistan. “The heaviest guys in the I.S.I. have deployed manboob tit-flogging in the tribal regions for years,” said the source.   “The enemy has marshaled some of its XXL mantits in the fight against freedom, too.  Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was possessed of a particularly hirsute set of boy knockers that he would use to smother and torture captives.  After six months in the mountains, with him living on black dhal and onion bhaji the whole time, and you saw those hank-hooters comin’ at you … you’d talk.”

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