The Other Brother André

Pope Elevates Lesser-known Brother to "Total Douchebag"

Oct 18th, 2010 | By Heber Dolphy | Category: Featured

Now a Total Douchebag

In an unpublicized side-ceremony Sunday, Pope Benedict XVI elevated the brother of newly-canonized Saint Brother André, the Other Brother André, to the little-known rank of “Total Douchebag”.

Brother André, the beloved brother of the Holy Cross Order who is credited with healing thousands of Quebecers, was elevated to sainthood October 17 on the strength of an estimated 125,000 cures, including the healing of a man with cancer. He was beatified in 1982.

Born Alfred Bessette in 1845 in rural Quebec, his brother Jean followed in his footsteps, joining a rival order of Monks and also taking the name Brother André, evidently, he said, “just to be a dick”.

As his fame grew amongst the Quebec faithful, many intercessory prayers to André were intercepted by his asshole brother, and instead of being healed the petitioners were visited with annoying plagues like unwanted tattoos, back hair and lazy eyes. Asshole André is credited with an outbreak of genital warts in Trois-Rivières in 1944, and a great many unwanted pregnancies.

In 1984, not long after the beatification of Brother André, the Vatican elevated his brother from “That Asshole” to “Fucking Dickwad”, a major step on the road to Douchehood. The final miracle verified by the Vatican was a mass reply to all intercessors with an attached pictured of his junk.

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