The RCMP: Making Crime Pay

The force expands into extortion and robbery

Oct 7th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: News

"We will become completely self-funding."

Its image tarnished by recent scandals, facing new accusations of its members in drug-fueled sex parties and its leadership in civil war, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police has decided to become a full-time criminal organization.

“We will become completely self-funding,” says Criminalization advocate Major Kurt Burns, “one reason Government is supportive of the change.”

The RCMP  would become a criminal organization already armed and trained.  “We’ve got the guns and the muscle to be big players in Canadian villainy, ” Burns said. “There are many guys and gals in the outfit who have gone undercover posing as criminals and we’ve just loved pretending to be  gangsters in our Mr. Big-type stings.”

By virtue of dealing with narcotics trafficking during the course of policing, the RCMP well knows the business.  They have established connections in all criminal arenas.

“If we add extortion and large scale robbery to our bag of tricks, you are going to see a more productive and profitable Mounties” said Burns. “Not to mention the motivation of tax-free dollars to our members.”

Advocates concede that certain areas, such as smuggling, pornography and municipal government, will remain the domain of existing organized crime organizations. “Some things we don’t want to touch.”

Whether the new Crooked Mounties will stick with the Red Serge uniform has yet to be determined. “I think it would give our bad-ass act some class,” said Burns, “and what are we gonna do with all those hats anyway?”

-with files from Paul Moth & Heber Dolphy

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