Toronto Now Drunk After Lunch

Fat, too

Oct 26th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Politics

Known for its early closing hours and Royal Orange Lodge hipness, it was once “Toronto the Good.”  Then, with increasing prosperity and cosmopolitanism, it fancied itself “World Class”.  Now, with its alienated suburbs reeking electoral revenge in the victory of Rob Ford, it’s been redubbed “Toronto the fat and a little drunk after lunch”

World Class

“The new face of Toronto isn’t so much white as it is red and puffy,” said Torontologist Gary Quiff. “For years the 905ers weren’t invited to the 416 party.  Now 905 is throwing its own: a tailgate party in The Annex.”

Among the first measures undertaken by the new council will be the exclusion of much of the city centre from the Greater Toronto Area.  It will become a separate municipality known as “Eliteville”.  Special magnetically stripped identity devices, called credit cards, will be required to enter and exit “Eliteville”.

Those outside the boundaries of the liberal township who still hold modern views of society and the role of the state are being encouraged to leave the city. “If they want to keep going to the theatre with their homosexual friends and having a fancy dinner and drinks afterwards, they are welcome to move to Montreal or St. John’s,” said a spokesperson for “Toronto the Fat and Drunk After Lunch,” the civic moment just christened in this item.

“Many of the so-called ‘elites’ will probably take-up the offer,” said Quiff. “Never have I seen more people more embarrassed.  For years they built museums, held literary festivals, congratulated one another in the media they controlled, and to wake up today living in Canada’s biggest hick town, it must be mortifying.”

The systematic reduction of public transit and other municipal services will begin as soon as possible.

URNews erroneously reported earlier that Toronto’s incumbent mayor believed “the gravy train” of which he spoke during the campaign was literally a train carrying gravy that he wished stopped in order that more might be poured over his food.  Rob Ford did not say, “Now that I’m Mayor maybe I can stop the train and get some more of that goddamn gravy that the fatcats keep for their mashed potatoes”.  URNews apologizes for the error.

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