Airport Procedures Questioned

Face sitting to be discontinued

Nov 25th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: News
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Rising traveler frustration with intrusive airport security checks has prompted the F.D.A. to discontinue some procedures.

“Travelers will no longer be subjected to face sitting, having their gag reflex tested, or brutal tit flogging,” an F.D.A. spokesperson said on condition of anonymity.  The merits of these procedures were called into question by former MOSAD air security superdude, Ari Bronstein. “Having my face viciously pummeled by two seven kilo breasts,

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what does that prove?”  The incident to which Bronstein referred happened at the security check of a domestic flight from Grand Forks, North Dakota to Fargo, North Dakota.

Other “total pat down, up and in” methods such as “rectal sonar” and “eye plumbs” will remain in use.  Passengers who do not want to be subjected to such invasive procedures can opt for being microwaved.

Reaction to the changes has been mixed.  Some passengers saw the need for extra security as there were “always terrorists everywhere you look.” A move to protest the measures by arriving at security in a state of high arousal is being discouraged. “They want to pat me down,” said one disgruntled air traveler, “they are going to have to finish the job.”

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