Alberta to kick itself in ass

Hard

Nov 29th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: News

Alberta has decided to build a jeezly great dirty-oil powered machine to kick itself in the ass.

With a filibuster in its legislature over emergency room wait times, a ballooning deficit, and Edmonton's World Fair aspirations shot down by its own Conservatives, the time had come for drastic measures.

“We're the 'City of Champions' goshdangit!” said an Edmonton civic bureaucrat. “It says so on the sign you read when you drive up from Calgary.  Now we look more  like the “City of Suckers”. It better be a big-ass ass-kicking machine!”

“In truth? I think it was watching Danny Williams resign that capped it,” said Henry Dunn, the engineer building the enormous machine. “It just reminded everyon

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e here about the moronic royalty regimes we have for our natural resources.  That the richest place in Canada is going broke … I mean, come on, kick us in the ass.”

Advocates of the province kicking itself in the ass say that without startling the province into some sort of self awareness it will again elect only politicians determined to hand the province's wealth over to corporations. “We need expanded social services so we will elect Libertarians to further diminish them.  The Harper Conservatives take us for granted so we will never elect anyone but Conservatives in the next Federal election. We aren't thinking straight.”

History speaks loudly in cow country, and it has a forked tongue. Albertans remember trading Wayne Gretzky for a handful of magic beans. They remember trading Preston Manning for Steve Harper. “We've done this many times before,” says Dunn. “Replace Ralph Klein with Ed Stelmach?  Vote ourselves into a one-party state for 40 years? Please. Quick. Boot me.”

-with files by Paul Moth, Signor Blaine and Heber Dolphy

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