Ireland returns to pathos

Dalliance with hubris has predictable conclusion

Nov 8th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Featured
Flaytofuch O'Hynes

Flaytofuch O'Hynes

With a scheme to support its poor not with work but with surplus cheese, Ireland has returned to its position as the pathetic drunk of Europe.

“Gone. Fucked. A ruin,” said Government flaytofuch, or spokesman, Conor O’Hynes. “What we were thinking with all that Celtic Tiger shite, I don’t know. We should be  rolling around in a bog with a pig, starving because we spent our last penny on potcheen or, worse, Dublin real estate.”

Ireland’s ludicrous and transparently unsupported growth in the 1990’s and the early years of this century has left the squat, damp, disagreeable nation bereft. “People are hungry and the best we can come up with is to roll out a few wheels of Derry Dingus.  No wonder the Catholic Church had such an easy time fergusing our arses into submission. Now it’s the IMF’s turn. Christ, the head on me this morning.”

Also jeopardized by the return to economic catastrophe is the heavily subsidized Irish accent.  “I can’t see those cunts in Brussels paying to keep us talking like this.  The sentimental Yanks around Boston were always an easy mark, but now they’re broke too.”  There was widespread relief when Irish music, a more recent invention, was canceled last week owing to a lack of financing. “Jaysus,” said O’Hynes “how many jigs and reels can a man endure?”  Tin whistles will be melted down and recycled while bodhrans will simply be plowed underground. The bouzouki, imported from Greece and very popular in Irish music since the `70’s, has been “given back to the fucking Greeks in a manner they best understand.”

Government officials promised to respond first with combative bravado, then violence and finally maudlin self pity.

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