Obama’s “Paradise Express”

New Strategic Initiative to save Trillions

Nov 21st, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Politics

Chillin'

With the ceaseless construction of new Israeli settlements on the West Bank threatening the latest in an endless series of Middle East peace talks, the Obama Administration is set to embrace a bold new geopolitical initiative that will save the bankrupt nation untold trillions of dollars.  The new “Paradise Express” plan sees the United States becoming aggressively disengaged from global conflict.  The program gets its name from the potentially apocalyptic consequences for former beneficiaries of American meddling.

“The way it would go down under the new program is that, say in the case of the Iranian nuclear weapons program, we mind our own business and the Iranians and Israelis blow each other to their respective heavens.  We get rid of two terrifically burdensome files in a couple of thermonuclear flashes. Radioactive clouds drift over the neighbourhood? Bonus.”

Such disengagement from the Middle East means pesky lunatics in Afghanistan and Pakistan will have to focus their attention elsewhere. “Other geographically contiguous governments, like India, China and Russia, will have to deal with those nutcases. They want America out of any patches of desert mentioned in the Koran?  We say ‘how soon?'”

Critics feel the disengagement will threaten energy security for the United States. “We’ll commandeer what we need from the Canadians and Mexicans,” said an unnamed spokesman.  As for the blow to the Military Industrial Complex caused by such steep reductions in spending, administration officials believe the slack will be taken up by exports.  “There will still be a tremendous interest in death and destruction and we will still be selling the tools to do it.”

Deciding to abandon the United States’ self-appointed role as Global Policeman is said to be a terrific relief for President Obama. “It cleared his agenda this past weekend,” said a White House spokesman. “He shot a few hoops in the afternoon and late Saturday night, after dinner, snuck out to the Rose Garden for a couple of smokes.”

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