Toronto Sports Franchises Colluding

Evidence teams agreed to keep losing

Nov 10th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Sports

A conspiracy to remain perennial losers

A memo allegedly addressed to senior executives of the Toronto Maple Leafs, the Toronto Raptors and the Toronto Blue Jays suggests they are part of a conspiracy to remain perennial losers. “The memo is essentially an agreement to share the fan base,” says URNews sports reporter Buck Weems. “And the most economical way for them to do that is to all be equally hopeless.”   The contention was supported by an anonymous front office hanger-on, “If one of our teams was ever a contender it would be very destabilizing.  When the Jays were winners, interest in the Leafs started to wane.  That’s when we knew that in Toronto we all lose together.”

“Losing is our tradition,” says sports fan Edythe Glenn. “I’m twenty-two and I’ve been cheering for Toronto teams since I can remember. But we never win anything.”

The Toronto Argonauts is the last professional sports team based in Canada’s capitol city to win their league championship. They captured the 2004 Grey Cup, emblematic of supremacy in the Canadian Football League.

“That was a fluke,” says Glenn. “And that’s football. The CFL doesn’t count. I cheer for the (US-based National Football League’s Buffalo) Bills, anyway.”

Weems thinks that the Toronto franchises should be investigated by the Canadian government for collusion. “These monopolistic practices degrade the games, the players and the fans. Taking advantage of weak-minded people who cheer for Toronto teams speaks volumes about the owners and management.” Weems claims this practice, if exercised in other countries, “would land these characters in the dock. You can’t exploit people like this so openly in Europe or South America any more. This is an Ontario thing.”

Spokessportspeople for the Leafs, Raptors and Blue Jays claim there are other reasons for the teams’ poor results in the recent past. Gregor Gregorowitcz of the Jays’ front office puts the blame on the doorstep of “Steinbrenner and the Yankees, where they made winning a mandate of the club. How can you compete with that?” Raptors assistant publicist L Z Cool says “watch out this year. This is our year, baby! Raptors rock and rule! Yeah!” Duncan McDirk, the only person to answer the phone at Maple Leaf headquarters, looked to history. “We haven’t recovered from the Harold Ballard days. Remember George Armstrong? We’re going to have a George Armstrong bubble-head [sic] doll giveaway this week. Then next week, it’s Allan Stanley. Old Snowshoes. What was the question?”

-with files by Paul Moth & Heber Dolphy

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