Vander Zalm

Poltical Potlatch in Blitisch Columbia

Nov 5th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Politics

With the sudden resignation of Gordon Campbell and the election of magical thinkers and re-tread Jerry Brown south of the border in his mind, Bill Vander Zalm is said to be considering a return to politics.

"Read my gums, 'no new taxes'"

“Oh my,” Vander Zalm is thought to have said, “I do have a few good old ideas about fiscal policy that will go over well in your interior.”

Among Vander Zalm’s ideas are the abolition of sales and VAT taxes altogether, a reduction in income tax and a reliance on magic beans. “The giant has a chest of gold,” he said.

Vander Zalm is also an advocate of changing the name of the province to “Blitisch Columbia.”  This is not, as many think, because it is in accordance with his own pronunciation, but rather because “blitisch” means “fairykingdomlike” in his native Dutch, Vander Zalm revealed last week in a visit to the URNews editorial retreat in Kelowna.

The once and future premier also outlined for editors his Ogopogo theory, which is predicated on the notion that the mysterious lake creature is a freshwater whale who could be coaxed to the surface by scientists broadcasting a sonar message in whale language telling them that their former dinosaur predators are now extinct.

According to Vander Zalm, this would be a boon for BC’s battered tourism industry — “tax-free tourism, of course.”

The daring ploy to revive magical thinking in BC seems to be working.  Recent polls show that 63% of Blitisch Columbians believe the provincial budget could be balanced by holding a Potlatch, while almost 70% agree with the statement “government services can be replaced by a strategic use of pyramids, crystals and the power of positive thinking.”

– with files by Carl Johnson

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