WikiLeaks Draws Global Portrait

Pasty Western white guys do battle with baddies

Nov 29th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Featured

The diplomatic dispatches spilled by WikiLeaks paint a stark picture of a world divided between pasty white guys in suits, many of them overweight and full of bravado, and a “rest of the world” populated by Islamist crazies and assorted crooks.

Canada's Bond ... sigh

The documents show the pasty white guys fancying themselves as secret agents trying to thwart deranged Arabs, nutty Persians, Russian gangsters, Imperious Frenchman and imbeciles from the British Royal family.

“Business as usual,” said URNews Global expert Frank Doink. “You’ve got your generally right-wing crusader types really loving their imagined role as actors in this, but actually doing very little, against the aggrieved  formerly colonized holding a grudge, and filling their pockets.”

Only North Korea remains an enigma. “They are so bat shit crazy even the Chinese don’t know what they are doing,” said Doink.

Britain’s Prince Andrew is revealed to be the West’s “go-to idiot”,  deployed in big game hunting expeditions and exhaustive bullshit sessions with Gulf State despots.

The leaked documents also show that the State Department officially describes Silvio Berlusconi’s Italy as the world’s first “sexocracy.”  One dispatch details how the Prime Minister makes crucial decisions on European Union matters during moments of orgiastic release with Nutella-slurping nymphettes from every EU member nation — a state of heightened politico-erotic insight his aides refer to as “being in the Eurogenous Zone”.

According to Doink, Canada’s Conservative government, “though up there with the pastiest and whitest — we’re talking instant mashed potatoes,” is “still too insignificant and dull” to figure much in the leaked documents.  One memo, however, suggests the CIA is using models of recent voting behavior among Conservative-appointed Senators to understand the decision-making dynamics of Iran’s ‘Guardian Council’ of Ayatollahs.

-with files by Carl Johnson

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