Porn-surfing, coke-snorting, greed-head scumbags

Masters of the Universe have an image problem

Dec 27th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Business

There needs to be a cultural shift among the players on Wall and Bay Streets if investor confidence is to be restored, says a leading regulator.

“Folks are having a hard time trusting the investment community with their hard-earned dollars now that they’ve been exposed as a bunch of crooked sleazebags,” says Doug Snead of the International Office of Trade and Wealth Concentration.

The leading but ultimately powerless regulator says there have been numerous accounts of less-than-savory behavior amongst the trading set.

“Losing the investments that were the life blood of the Helen Keller Foundation endowment, and then to find out that they were shorting the stuff they put her in … it doesn’t look good.”

Nor do interoffice memos from the investment bank Hereford Fine that knowingly sold bad paper to the Keller Group. “If the old girl could read she might be able to see that the stuff we are selling her is shit, LOL,” says one memo by company President Peter Lincoln, “but I guess she can’t feel the hot steaming crap between her fingers :)!”

Lincoln and a select team of good looking young executives celebrated the money they made shorting the funds in which they had invested Keller with an extravagant party at Manhattan’s “DeFux” night club.   Executives drank 1945 Chateau Latour from the vagina of a $20,000-a-night prostitute, injected speed balls into one another’s eyes and burnt clothing and money stolen from the homeless.  Reports that Peter Lincoln had an extremely small-statured woman flown in on his private jet from the Andaman Islands to insert her amputated leg stump into his anus to the wild cheers of the crowd have not been confirmed.

“Teachers and farmers and firemen don’t want their pension funds spent having an amputee stick their limbs up bank executives,” says Snead.  “They’ll need that money for cat food in their declining years.”

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