Santa Warrants

Populace warned about who really is naughty or nice

Dec 17th, 2010 | By Paul Moth | Category: News

Santa tastes a sample from his latest shipment

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

There’s also an international warrant for his arrest.

The RCMP, Interpole, the FBI and a legion of other national and international law forces are on the lookout for the jolly old “elf” as he evades their custody on a twenty-four hour joyride around the world.

“Santa and his criminal activity have for some time been an object of our scrutiny,” said Bjarne Müller from Interpole’s offices in Geneva. “He has a long association with ‘snow’, a well-known underworld code word for cocaine, and he flagrantly violates trade and immigration controls .”

Claus has also been repeatedly cited for workplace offenses.  His “elves”, believed to be child labourers sold or lured into what essentially amounts to slavery, work long hours in “unheated, frosty workshops  in maquiladoras around the North Pole, outside the jurisdiction of most police forces,” according to a recent report by the Arctic Labour Organization.

Unsuccessful attempts at unionization in the 1970s led to Claus and his long-time business associate, the little-known “Mrs.” Claus, being labeled union busters and scab engagers.  But Claus has also become a source of alarm for global security forces.

“Believe me, this is not the person you want having unsupervised access to your child’s stocking,” says Müller.  Parents are advised to check on the morning of December 25th and report any suspicious packages left under the tree.

Claus would not answer URNews email queries and his lawyers claim that all entreaties must come in the form of a letter to Santa.

At a hastily called press conference in Washington, DC the FBI displayed what was allegedly a “naughty and nice”  list showing the frightening extent of Santa’s global reach.  The list, seized during a raid on Finnish herdsmen by special forces, was said to be of such complexity it had to be checked twice.

“He’s a slippery old bastard,” says Müller.  “We are talking about a very big dude that can slide up your chimney … so to speak.”  But the veteran cop has a message for Santa.  “We’ll get you, Claus.  Sooner or later you and your little reindeer friends are going to slip up, and we’ll be right there, apparently nestled all snug in our beds, but waiting for you.  You better watch out.”

Santa support groups have sprung up around the globe and on Facebook, though it looks like Santa Claus will be in for a grounding come Boxing Day or the New Year should the law agencies get their Christmas wish.

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