Satan Confirms Ottawa Role

Has voted Conservative and Liberal

Dec 13th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Politics

Rock and fucking roll, baby.

Satan today confirmed suspicions, voiced by Reverend Charles McVety, that he has an active role in policy making in Canada.  McVety was reacting to a regulatory decision that saw his program on the Crossroads Television System shut down for its “malevolent, insidious and conspiratorial” homophobic ramblings.  The action was taken by the television industry’s own Broadcast Standards Council.  McVety sees this as just another assault on him and his work from the “one-world government of the Anti-Christ.”

In a news conference called in a kindergarten classroom, The Devil said he had indeed used his “considerable influence” to shut down the raving Reverend but not in the way McVety suggests. “The homophobia thing was just an excuse . My actions were those of  a fallen angel with an interest in television. This was really about ratings, not McFatty’s obsession with gay sex.”

Satan told reporters that he had interrupted his ongoing preparation of a room for Henry Kissinger to give the news conference. “It’s not a big room and he’ll be sharing with Idi Amin.”

Satan also responded to suggestions last week that Prime Minister Steve Harper’s “familiarity” with The Devil’s music indicated a relationship between the two.  “Stevarino’s loose talk about the smell of sulfur and my feelings about fire is the kinda thing that could get somebody’s lips sewn shut with barbed wire for an eternity. Just saying.”

Satan did not particularly enjoy Harper’s performance of “Jumpin’ Jack Flash.” “I’d say it merits 6000 years on the rectal rotisserie Franco operates over at Pol Pot’s Playhouse.” Satan indicated that while  his favorite rendition of the song was the Rolling Stones live version on “Get Your Ya-Yas Out” it was “all sort of sissy white boy dabbling for me. Remember, I got Robert Johnson down there.”

Much of Satan’s news conference was taken up by the airing of long standing grievances with God. “This is the same entity that created hemorrhoids and bed bugs.  Sure everybody is all oohs and ahhs when they see a pretty sunset but I am still not going to acknowledge he is perfect. Better to reign in Cabinet than serve in Opposition.”

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