Williams Ascends to Golf Course
Distraught Newfies Commit Mass SuicideDec 4th, 2010 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Politics
Thousands of despondent Newfies, dressed in mourning blue, threw themselves into the sea yesterday at the very moment their deity, Danny Williams, resigned. Thousands more are reported missing or failed to return text messages, fueling fears that other members of “The Danny Nation” have opted for more discreet means of self-annihilation.
“The thing about most messiahs,” said theological scholar Duncan Kent, “is they don’t, typically, leave office. But The Danny deity has fucked off to the golf course and the after-dinner speaking circuit.”
The many Newfies that worshipped The Danny have seen their “cosmos destroyed and are unable to fathom how to continue living,” says Kent. The Newfies believe that The Danny Deity delivered them from slavery in Alberta by magically driving the price of oil, mined off the coast of Newfoundland by Petro Multinationals, over $100/barrel.
Concerns that many of the lurid, saccharin, hagiographic farewell pieces aired and published by Newfie media would distress and panic Newfies were borne out. Items purporting to be news that were in fact “highlight reels of the Saviour’s holy tantrums” aired by CBC Radio’s Newfie Service induced one group of three hundred followers to throw themselves off a cliff to their deaths while singing the provincial anthem, the Ode to Newfoundland.
Despite the terrible price Newfies paid for their veneration of Father of Confederation Joey Smallwood, hysterical idolatry is still widely practiced on the isolated island. “Despair, despondency, and a surfeit of accordion and fiddle rit-n-dittery have inculcated a deep desire to be delivered,” says Kent. “Newfies want to be raptured up. ‘God guard thee, Newfoundland,’ indeed.”
Meanwhile, The Deity was working on his putting game.
Modern Newfoundlanders and Labradorians are descended from Newfies.
–with files by Paul Moth and Carl Johnson