Concussion Repercussion

Head Shots Have Pros and Cons

Jan 10th, 2011 | By Paul Moth | Category: Sports

Bill Blxtlspzk, NHLPA Spokesman

With legislators waiting for signs from the experts on sports head injuries, doctors and lawyers have come out swinging — against each other.

Proactive steps by Parliament to reduce hits to the head at all levels of sport — once a seeming no-brainer ideally suited to the IQs of the current front benches — — have been unexpectedly delayed by mano a mano combat pitting scrubs against suits.

A gathering last week called by the Canadian Association of Sports Medics and the Bar Association for Athletics to work out a joint position paper ended with aggressive chest-beating reminiscent of the press conference before a heavyweight showdown.

“CASM is basically made up of women doctors who are not qualified to talk about sports concussions because they’ve never had any themselves,” according to BAA spokesman Abraham Bladeford whose group supports high-energy body contact among men. “With us, on the other hand, every single member of our association has taken one to the head for the team a few times arcmn frrr qingmnmn.”

Before drool short-circuited his microphone Bladeford was shouted down by CASM president, Dr. Selma Hartle, head of head trauma at the Tête Traumatisme Institut of Head Trauma Institute in Barcode, Manitoba. “Lawyers apparently have no concern for the health of their clients, otherwise they would help us fashion a future unfogged by headaches, weight gain, memory loss, despair, kleptomania, the dissolution of marriages and other well-known side effects of brain injury, including gigantic lawsuits.”

Retorted a snarling Bladeford, “We maintain that the younger the age at which athletes experience concussions, the better they will be equipped in dealing with any consequences, which is another way for saying that true knowledge is gained through um … er …”

Professional sports authorities, equipment manufacturers and hockey parents seem equally split.  National Hockey League vice-president for rule equivocations, Yves O’Tracier, acknowledges that “the NHL is concerned about the level of concern expressed by parents” but thinks there “is no need for hair-trigger responses. We will take a wait and see approach.”

Bill Blxtlspzk, spokesman for the Players Association who is himself a seven-time concussion victim, was unable to respond to a request for an interview.

The greatest disagreement, however, may be among parents.  To say that dads want rock ’em sock ’em while moms want no-checking poofta leagues may be an oversimplification — especially if a pee-wee championship is on the line and it’s someone else’s kid getting taken out on the end boards — but a Venus vs Mars divide on the issue is fairly evident.  During a moment of silence called by Moms Against Brain Injuries to remember the victims of vicious head shots at last year’s Tim Bits Support the Troops Don Cherry Invitational 6-and-Under tournament in Pictou, Moms representatives were jeered by a group of surly hockey dads and responded with kicks to the groinal area.

It seems where sports head injuries are concerned not only does the left brain not know what the right brain is doing, neither ah wait I dunno punchy ending.

with files by Carl Johnson and Coco Cabrera

Share this!