Harper to Big Business Rescue

Canadian super wealthy only extremely wealthy by international standards

Jan 26th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Business

"Say, how 'bout them tax cuts, Jimmy?"

In an effort to save the reputation of Canadian business, the hilarious political duo Steve and Little Jimmy are sending Conservative troops far and wide to ape their message of Corporate tax cuts.  The tax cuts are a central plank in Steve Harper’s upcoming pre-election budgetpalooza.

“Look at it as ‘Own the Podium’ for Canada’s top corporate players,” said business analyst Sherry McDougall of JC Doyle Associates.  For years our elite wealth-getters have looked “hopeless” at international fortune fests.  According to McDougall this is because, though the capital they have been allowed to accumulate by pilfering from the public purse and buying monopoly licenses to gouge the consumer “might seem a disgrace from where the average Canadian stands, it doesn’t even come close to ranking beside the hoarded plunder of US, German or Chinese-based patricians.”

The issue allegedly came to a head over the Christmas holidays at a Sussex Drive party where some of Canada’s fattest trough-feeders poured out tales of regular humiliation on the global stage by the truly uber-rich.  Those in attendance say the Prime Minister was reduced to tears, and vowed that the people of Canada would dig deep to give their corporate leaders the edge they need to defecate in solid gold bowls when the world’s top guns meet in Davos later this year.

Most business scientists consulted by the media agreed that all Canadians will be beneficiaries of the spillover from the bowls, a “golden shower” of sorts.

“Starting with economic super-genius Ronald Reagan in California and then Washington we see that diminishing the tax burden on companies has a trickle down effect, ” said Conservative spokesperson Dunning Kruger. “This in turn creates jobs and prosperity, thus increasing government revenue so as to enable it to maintain programs and infrastructure.”

Kruger was unable to explain how the “trickle down” effect caused California’s collapsing infrastructure and pending bankruptcy, or the United States’ condition of being 6 generations in hock to the Chinese. “It’s just gotta work this time!” he said.

“Canadian Capitalism isn’t the picnic it used to be,” said McDougall.  “We have to compete with Europe and the United States, where they have socialized business losses, and China, where they have access to slave labour in the penal system.   We aren’t getting prison slaves until well after the next election.  Don’t write that last bit down.”

With a burgeoning deficit, lower tax revenues from mega-corporations reaping record profits mean that Canadian citizens will have to bear a much higher burden for maintaining the State.

“They’re tough, they’re up for it!” cried Kruger.

– with files by Heber Dolphy and Carl Johnson

Share this!