Imperial Ottawa

Harper Ditches Monarchical Aspirations, Now Vows Dynasty

Jan 24th, 2011 | By Signor Blaine | Category: Featured

urNews has learned that the Federal Conservative government is drafting a bill to require senior civil servants to be castrated as a sign of devotion to the Supreme Leader, Steve Harper. The move faces push-back from many bureaucrats in the system and is not yet considered a fait accompli.

“Just because it has become the de facto policy for running under the Tory banner in the next election does not mean it needs to be applied to the people doing the job of government,” commented Josh Begheim, a Senior Economist with the Department of Finance. Mr Begheim learned of the new policy when he received a note from the P.M.O. offering the choice of a group castration session in early April or the alternative DIY Kit.


Eunuchs have  served as public officials since at least the times of the Egyptian Pharaohs and were  last utilized by the Chinese Emperor Pu Yi in the early twentieth century. Eunuchs attain great power and wealth through their service as they present no threat to the established regime through offspring. The eunuch policy is staging a comeback in several seats of Western government.

“Eunuchs are ideal tools for government consistency and longevity,” conservative spokesman Dun­ning Kruger tweeted in response to a query by urNews. Mr Kruger is currently recuperating from surgery in the recently established Recovery Wing and Spa at Meech Lake.

The Conservative government believes such a bill would pass easily as the Liberals and the NDP had long ago divested themselves of balls.

When asked what the future held for women in the future of the Tory party and federal government, Mr Kruger texted “LOL.” Minutes later he added “When we form a majority Canadian women will return to the station determined for them by Yahweh.”

– with files by Paul Moth

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