Kind Bomb Company Wins Prize

Kills them with kindness

Jan 5th, 2011 | By Carl Johnson | Category: Lead Article

Toronto-based manufacturer Ryzone Industries has won the coveted Kissinger Prize in Humanitarian Warfare for its Tummytickler rocket. The announcement was made today by the organizers of “It’s  Armsfest  2010!”  The carnage expo, held annually in Paris, is the industry’s premier event.

Ryzone is a leader in the development of so-called “kind bombs,” a new generation of weaponry that is poised to transform warfare and make smart bombs obsolete.

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“Smart bombs are extremely bright,” said noted military analyst Dan Benson.  “Unfortunately, the people who decide to drop them are comparatively quite stupid. Kind bombs don’t have that problem.”

According to the citation by a panel of judges that included the former Secretary of State, “[B]y completely removing humans from the weapons system through the incorporation of advanced software guidance, kind bombs like the Tummytickler also remove the possibility of human error.”

As kind bombs approach their target they begin to collect data on the age, sex, temperament and zodiacal sign of those in range using advanced mood sensors.  The Tummytickler’s highly sensitive zirconium rings process hormonal secretions in the target zone and feed the data to a program that simulates an advanced seminar in cultural anthropology at Harvard.  In milliseconds, the Tummytickler can determine whether the social unit is either a legitimate terrorist target or a party of villagers on their way to a traditional religious ceremony yet basically headed for Western-style consumerism in a generation or two.

“The Military Industrial Complex doesn’t exist in isolation,” said Arms Industry lobbyist Joan Lee.  “The directors of the big firms sit on the boards of other corporations.  They are not unaware that having already stolen the wealth of Americans they need new consumers.  It’s in no one’s interest to be vaporizing people that might otherwise be buying your shit.”

One Pentagon buyer enthused, “With kind bomb technology hearts and minds can be won rather than blown to bits, as had been occurring with our weapons up to now.”

The British military is reported to be developing a “Just Silly Bomb”.  An earlier Canadian prototype from Ryzone, the “Nice, But Kind Of Boring Bomb” bombed.

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