Hop­ing to repeat their suc­cess in attract­ing dimwit­ted vot­ers in the West, Con­ser­v­a­tive Party strate­gists have tasked new Min­is­ter of Hair­cuts Peter Kent with mobi­liz­ing the stu­pid of the sub­urbs of Toronto, the so-called “Dork Belt”.

“A high-function idiot like Pete is an ideal can­di­date for the job,” said con­ser­v­a­tive spokesman Dun­ning Kruger. “Straight out of the blocks this guy said the tar sands were ‘eth­i­cal oil’.  Lots of Toronto vot­ers also know that sci­ence is just stu­pid stuff eggheads cook up to make you feel like you should have tried harder in school.”

The only stain on Kent’s record is his stint read­ing news copy at the CBC, lend­ing the impres­sion that he might be a mem­ber or hanger-on of down­town Toronto’s lib­eral élite.  Kent says he only worked for the CBC and never hung out with the dope smok­ing Maoist les­bians that then ran the place. “Élite?” scoffed Kruger, “Pete is so unelite he let Ezra Lev­ant trick him into that eth­i­cal oil non­sense.  Peter Kent is as stu­pid as any man in sub­ur­ban Toronto.”

Kent is known to imag­ine he under­stands sub­jects because he read about them on a teleprompter. “That’s nor­mal,” said Kruger. “All news­read­ers think like that.  Remem­ber when Mans­bridge had that col­umn in Macleans?”

The stu­pid were for a long time viewed as per­ma­nently dis­en­fran­chised, with­out the will or req­ui­site com­pre­hen­sion of the polit­i­cal process to par­tic­i­pate.  The Steve Harper machine changed that. “Steve gath­ered all the boobs under his big tent with the GST cut.  That appealed broadly to peo­ple who have never done, or are unable to do the brain work to under­stand tax­a­tion.  Steve made it sim­ple for them: Tax bad.”

The same dis­con­nect between facts, rea­son and pol­icy is evi­dent in “tough on crime” poli­cies and the con­struc­tion of more pris­ons in a time of dimin­ish­ing crime.  Min­is­ter of State:Police Julian Fan­tino is work­ing that beat for the surg­ing Con­ser­v­a­tives. “Who bet­ter,” says Kruger. “The peo­ple want some heads knocked and every­body knows that what we don’t under­stand is dangerous.”

The sheer num­bers of stu­pid peo­ple in the Toronto sub­urbs make it attrac­tive to the Con­ser­v­a­tives who, as the Reform Party, were hos­tile to Cen­tral Canada.  The widely held view among polit­i­cal strate­gists is that Ontario has become much more like Alberta in the last decade.

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