Man of the Stupid People

Kent targets Toronto's "Dork Belt"

Jan 12th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Politics

Hoping to repeat their success in attracting dimwitted voters in the West, Conservative Party strategists have tasked new Minister of Haircuts Peter Kent with mobilizing the stupid of the suburbs of Toronto, the so-called “Dork Belt”.

“A high-function idiot like Pete is an ideal candidate for the job,” said conservative spokesman Dunning Kruger. “Straight out of the blocks this guy said the tar sands were ‘ethical oil’.  Lots of Toronto voters also know that science is just stupid stuff eggheads cook up to make you feel like you should have tried harder in school.”

The only stain on Kent’s record is his stint reading news copy at the CBC, lending the impression that he might be a member or hanger-on of downtown Toronto’s liberal elite.  Kent says he only worked for the CBC and never hung out with the dope smoking Maoist lesbians that then ran the place. “Elite?” scoffed Kruger, “Pete is so unelite he let Ezra Levant trick him into that ethical oil nonsense.  Peter Kent is as stupid as any man in suburban Toronto.”

Kent is known to imagine he understands subjects because he read about them on a teleprompter. “That’s normal,” said Kruger. “All newsreaders think like that.  Remember when Mansbridge had that column in Macleans?”

The stupid were for a long time viewed as permanently disenfranchised, without the will or requisite comprehension of the political process to participate.  The Steve Harper machine changed that. “Steve gathered all the boobs under his big tent with the GST cut.  That appealed broadly to people who have never done, or are unable to do the brain work to understand taxation.  Steve made it simple for them: Tax bad.”

The same disconnect between facts, reason and policy is evident in “tough on crime” policies and the construction of more prisons in a time of diminishing crime.  Minister of State:Police Julian Fantino is working that beat for the surging Conservatives. “Who better,” says Kruger. “The people want some heads knocked and everybody knows that what we don’t understand is dangerous.”

The sheer numbers of stupid people in the Toronto suburbs make it attractive to the Conservatives who, as the Reform Party, were hostile to Central Canada.  The widely held view among political strategists is that Ontario has become much more like Alberta in the last decade.

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