Ontario Law Drives Up Rectals

Jan 4th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Lead Article

The enforcement of  laws in Ontario and British Columbia prohibiting cell phone use while driving have proven a boon for Brownberry, the Windsor, Ontario-based maker of rectal phones and other “ass-held” devices.

Rectally-held, as opposed to “hand-held” devices were a hitherto niche (in all senses) market but the new traffic act restrictions have made shoving information appliances up the ass of users more popular.

“This past week we sold out of our high end ‘Sploosh’ and ‘Wowza’ models of ass phones,” said Ned Crosby of “Who’s There?” a leading retailer of phones. “Canadians love to talk on the phone while driving,” said Crosby. “Now they can do it safely, or with a consenting adult in the privacy of their own homes.”

Faced with shortages of the most popular models, especially RIM’s “Sunshine” which has been a hit with women buyers, retailers have even seen upticks in sales of older, larger, less sophisticated ass phones such as Dutch maker Ding’s “Dong” and the Irish “Bishop.”

Soon-to-be published studies are said to show that having a phone in your ass is as distracting to drivers as having one in your hand.

Rectal phones are illegal in Alberta.

– Coco Cabrera

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