St. John's Sanctuary for Hogtown High LifeJan 3rd, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Lead Article
The first planes carrying Elites fleeing Toronto touched down at Torbay Airport in St. John's, Newfoundland and Labrador earlier today. Though appearing stunned and disoriented, many smiled when greeted with complimentary espressos and glasses of white wine.
“The Newfoundlanders are being so kind,” said one man. “I never expected such a well made cup of coffee out here.” Another Toronto escapee was pleased with the wine. “So often you're met with just another glass of chardonnay, but this is an extremely charming Gruner Veltliner.” Officials had considered champagne but it was thought inappropriate given the sombre nature of the affair.
Fergus “Blackie” Walsh, Ward councilor for Right Down in da East End, greeted the newcomers on behalf of the city. “Your profligacy, your sense of entitlement, you
r liberal attitude to drugs and sodomy are all welcome here,” he said.
The refugees will be given temporary shelter in some of the many overpriced luxury condominiums that are a new feature of the once tumbledown seaport city. “Since the oil boom, they'll have all sorts of the fancy schmancy shit they are used, too,” said Walsh. “Belbin's Grocery is no Pusateri's but the TE's (Toronto Elites) can pick up the lait cru cheeses and Quebec foie gras they need to survive. The quality of the seafood is far better than that to which they are accustomed.”
Most of the Toronto Elites are expected to find jobs quickly in the growing economy. “There will be adjustments, but the medical professionals and the like will walk right into jobs with salaries just as huge as those they left behind,” Walsh said. Hardest hit will be those Elites who worked in media as Canadian institutions maintain only skeleton colonial bureaus in Newfoundland and Labrador.
Experts predict the first months for the refugees will be the easiest. The harsh conditions of the Newfoundland winter and spring are expected to cause severe reactions in the displaced Elites. Their mettle will be tested.