John Frum to tend goal

Feb 11th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Lead Article

Quebec City Council

Originally published October 4, 2010.

In what is seen by many as a last ditch effort to attract an NHL team to Quebec City, a sleepy provincial backwater in Canada’s Quebec Colony, the village Head Man, Regis Lebeaume has ordered the construction of an enormous arena made from straw, twigs and mud.  The hope is that NHL teams flying overhead will see the stadium and land near the village to play a game of hockey.  Lebeaume has also offered that there are good wives for the players in Quebec and they will feast on baked beans.

Ethnoanthropomorphist Jules Weinstein explained that the Quebec villagers have been disconsolate since NHL hockey left the tribe some years ago. “Those were times of plenty for the Quebec villagers,” says Weinstein, “they had hockey. And in Canada, there is often very little else.”

Indeed, over the past several decades hockey has  become the dominant cultural activity in the vast emptiness that is Canada. “Hockey, hockey, hockey,” said one man.  The Biggum Chief of Canada, Stevum Harper is a leading worshiper of the hockey cult. He attends games as his hectic schedule allows, decked out in the nambus of his favourite team.  Many see this as a blatant attempt by the Biggum Chief to instill faith in his rule and votes in his ballot box; others see it as pathetic juvenilism.

But it is in Quebec City where the mania over hockey, or “ockey” as the Quebecers say, reaches its apogee. Huts and teepees are decorated with the colours of their former team and effigies of its stars. “Prayer, wampum and human sacrifices have been offered in the hopes that some team, any team, might be lured back to the North, ” says Weinstein. “The villagers live in a peculiar state of both want and fear. They want a hockey team again, to be sure, but they fear the team will be a dud.”

-with files from Paul Moth

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