Petrocrat P.M. for Commodity Canada

Conservatives bank on Harper as oiliest contender

Feb 7th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Business

The Conservative Party’s highly secretive core  leadership, Command Group “Ultra”, are thought to be mapping out a strategy that will recognize Canada as a Petrocracy with Steve Harper as its Industry Stooge-In-Chief.

Steve Harper

“Let’s face it,” said Conservative spokesman Dunning Kruger,”the days of the mixed Canadian economy are over. The future, however short term, is digging shit out of the ground and shipping it to China.”

The plan to formally wind up the country as now constituted and make it a better place for multinational commodity extractors and traders to conduct business will be implemented as soon as The Conservatives gain a majority in the next Federal election.  Cornerstones of the program will be the elimination of royalties, the steep reduction of corporate taxes and the mass resettlement of Ontario.

“Ontario was good while it lasted,” said Kruger, “but its only reason for being was manufacturing stuff and shipping it via the Great Lakes. Everything is made in China now. We won’t need nearly so many people to grow peaches and corn, they’ve got to go.”   The status quo will be maintained in Quebec by a steady stream of massive transfers from the new “Have” provinces of Alberta, Saskatchewan and Newfoundland and Labrador.

The Conservatives reason that the new configuration of Canada will be an easy sell in the West.  The situation is more complex in Newfoundland and Labrador where Steve Harper is seen as a serial dissembler without even a tiny shred of integrity.  The hope is the people of the far eastern province can be bought with a chest of costume jewelry and more false promises.

“We have to be nice to Big Oil or they’ll take their petroleum and extract it somewhere else,” said Kruger.

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