Wiarton Willie Attacks Handlers
Predicts ApocalyspeFeb 2nd, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: News
In a stunning turn of events Wiarton Willie, the visionary Ontario rodent, jumped from its den and directly at the face of the Mayor of Wiarton, Elmer Duff. “Jeez Louise,” said a stunned Canadian onlooker, “he didn't even bother looking for his shadow. He went straight for the eyes.”
While normally living off alfalfa, the weather-predicting marmot is armed with substantial claws and powerful beaver-like teeth. Legend, translated from the ancient Wiarton Manifeste, has it that if Willie sees his shadow and returns to his burrow there will be six more weeks of winter. If he does not, winter is said to be soon over. If the 15 pounds of savage rodent attacks the face of the mayor, the Manifeste predicts, it is the sign of the apocalypse.
“He chewed up Mayor Duff pretty good,” said the Canadian. “They had to beat him off with an iron bar and Elmer took a few blows to the head in the process. Folks had no choice. Willie was out for blood. Looked like he was trying to burrow into the Mayor's skull via the eye socket.”
After the animal was detached from the mayor it attacked the Town Cryer, hanging for a moment from his crotch, prompting him to call, “Here! Yeeeeeeee!”
Willie the marmot hightailed it for the woods, perhaps in pursuit of putative poontang in Punxsutawney Phyllis, and absent any prediction in the Wiarton Manifeste covering such an eventuality, the apocalypse is thought to arrive in mixed weather.
– with files from Paul Moth