Bob Probert’s Brain Escapes

Thought to be searching for host in Boston area

Mar 4th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Science and Technology

The brain of former NHL enforcer and hard partier Bob Probert is missing from a Boston University lab and is thought to be at large in the Boston area.  Researchers were testing Probert’s brain for evidence of chronic traumatic encephalopathy, or CTE, sustained during the player’s violent professional hockey career.

“There was abundant evidence of damage,” said lead researcher Dr. Marlon Hand, “but also plenty of sustained and chaotic electrical activity.  Our worry is that Probert’s brain is out there somewhere looking for a new home.”

Unidentified boy, cheering early escape attempt by Probert's brain, one of many sought by police for questioning

Circumstantial evidence suggests Probert’s brain may already be in another cranium in Boston.  Yesterday Herbert Kingsley, an affable Beacon Hill nitwit, flew into a rage at a McDonald’s drive-through and pummeled a security guard senseless. The normally abstemious Kingsley then scored an “eight ball” of cocaine and was last seen pounding back boilermakers in the company of South End lowlifes.  More disturbing still are reports that Kingsley is bidding to buy Atomic Energy of Canada Limited from a desperate-to-sell Canadian Government.

Suggestions that Probert’s brain was functioning within Charlie Sheen’s head seemed supported by Sheen’s behaviour until it turned out that Sheen’s threats of violence were empty.  “Sheen was menacing and threatening violence, that wasn’t Bob’s M.O.” said a former teammate. “Probert didn’t fuck around with threats and breaking up furniture. He just dropped the gloves and went in for dinner.”

There is word from Ottawa that Canadian Prime Minister Steve Harper, a well known hockey fanatic, is desperately seeking Probert’s brain for use in an upcoming Federal Election.  The belief is that the Conservative Party will install Probert’s brain in the otherwise empty head of Minister of Defense Pete McKay.  “Then,” said conservative spokesperson Dunning Kruger,” the chief will have a matching pair of attack dogs, John Baird and a heterosexual.”

Police have expanded the area of their search for the brain and are seeking anyone who may have at one time or another coveted Probert’s brain. “Nefarious motives cannot be discounted,” said Erin Wexler, a spokesconstable for Boston police. “If this brain falls into the wrong hands, there’s no telling what damage could be done, just ask Tie Domi.”



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