Cavalcade of Lies
Minority of Canadians to go to the pollsMar 26th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: News
Following a bizarre meeting with the Governor General (there was confusion whether Prime Minister Steve Harper was asking him to call a Federal Election or to go on a date), Harper has mandated that the small portion of Canadians who actually care about such things will be going to the polls on May 2.
urNews will dedicate its entire political staff to covering what may be Canada’s final exercise in democracy. “This could be it,” said Elsworth Lundrigan, urNews Head In Chief. “The Conservatives have made it plain that they don’t feel the votes of Canadians, as reflected in the Members sent to Parliament, can have any bearing on who forms the Government.” In the final day of the last Parliament, Conservative Attack Dog John Baird impersonated Hermann Goering and promised the nation that they would “not let Socialists form the Government.” Steve Harper has dismissed the formation of a coalition government, of the sort common in the G20, as illegitimate. This despite a coalition having been categorically ruled out by Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff. “Scaring the bejezus out of new Canadians and Seniors is how we roll,” responded conservative spokesman Dunning Kruger. Harper has also stated that it was a “mistake” to hold a Canadian election while there was political strife in the Middle East or while the earth’s tectonic plates were moving or while the Leafs were fighting for a playoff spot.
The battle is between the continued deception, venality and abject criminal conduct of the Conservative Party of Canada and the desperate and false promises of both the Liberals and the NDP that a Canadian middle class can be maintained. The Bloc Quebecois will continue to petulantly punish Canada, for Quebec not having voted to separate in the last referendum, by disrupting the function of Parliament. “The sheep in Quebec,” said Lundrigan, “like the cows in Alberta, will vote as they are told. It certainly makes covering the election cheaper. Those results are already known.”
urNews will focus on ridings where the Conservatives believe they can trick the most voters. “There are clusters of swing ridings around Toronto and Vancouver where the people are very stupid, or they don’t really speak either of the country’s official languages, where we know the Conservatives are going deploy the chimera of ‘Evil Coalitions’ or the ‘Menace of the Intellectual’ as manifested in both cases by Michael Ignatieff.”
The Conservatives are rumoured to be worried by the mental state of the bipolar Steve Harper as they head into the campaign. Steve’s recent weight gain and gray visage were seen as signs that the one-time Prime Minister was in a depressive phase of his illness. These worries were brushed aside by the vicious assault Harper launched on the right of Canadians to pick a Government other than one of his design when announcing the May 2 date. “Absolute stability in Canadian politics” says Kruger will result from the elimination of all parties with the exception of the Conservatives.