Conservatives Divided Over Response

No consenus on how to respond to cascading scandals

Mar 10th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Politics

The Conservative Party is unable to come to agreement on how best to deal with the latest in a seemingly endless stream of scandals involving its members.  The party’s current woes stem from bungled partisan maneuvers by Ministers Jason Kenny and Bev Oda.

URNews has learned there are conflicting notions of how the ruling party should respond.

Minister of Retribution Vic Toews advocates placing  the offending ministers in cages hung above the House of Commons for a period determined by the study of animal entrails.  Minister of The Military Industrial Complex Pete Mackay has mused out loud about “de-coupling” the Progressive Conservative and Reform branches of the party thus enabling him to once again hold some tiny vestige of authority.  “It was supposed to be a marriage of the two parties,” said an anonymous former Progressive Conservative, “but we ended up on bottom.”  Minister of Haircuts Peter Kent was confused by the issue and had to have “a little lie-down”.

New Offices for Kenney and Oda

The Prime Minister’s Office is considering eliminating the troublesome Cabinet all together, simply formalizing what is already known to be its complete control.  “The  Cabinet,” said conservative spokesperson Dunning Kruger, “is just kind of a ceremonial pain in the ass.  It’s like the Senate.”

Though divided over how to respond Conservatives seem united in the belief that the focus on ethics has been bad for the party. “The next election was supposed to be about where Michael Ignatieff used to live,” said Kruger.

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