Lockheed Martin Endorses Harper

Sturgeon to watch every move

Mar 28th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Featured

Blood-soaked American war profiteers and F-35 peddlers Lockheed Martin have endorsed the candidacy of Steve Harper for Prime Minister of Canada.  They do so on the condition that their Canadian Agent and now Conservative Candidate Raymond Sturgeon accompany the next Prime Minister at all times. Lockheed Martin says the close guard of Harper is necessitated by the depressive politician’s uncontrollable “remorse eating.” Lockheed Martin are reportedly embarrassed by a photograph of their man in the company of an overweight Harper.

“Seeing Sturgo in the company of a fatty is bad for our brand. We are sleek, rapid response, high-tech killing machines, not Timbit- scarfing Jason Kenney lookalikes.”

Like many superannuated former Canadian Military members,  Spurgeon left the service to become a full time lobbyist for death merchants including: Colt; Rheinmetall Canada, formerly known as Oerlikon; BAE Systems; Israel Aerospace Industries; and General Dynamics Ordnance and Tactical Systems Canada Inc.  Spurgeon is running for the Conservatives in the sparsely populated Northern Ontario riding of Algoma-Manitoulin-Kapuskasing, an area seen as ideal for end-of-times survivalism or weapons testing.

The introduction of Sturgeon as a candidate for the Conservative Party “only promises the possibility of a satisfying link between government and private industry,” says conservative spokesspanker Dunning Kruger.

“This kind of expertise inside the government is … unbillable,” he continues. It opens the door “for more understanding of what it is the privates have to offer to the pubes,” says Kruger. “Look for more far-sighted nominations in the days to come. Think big-pharma, big bank, big insurance. They all just want what the automakers have now.”

At this point, Kruger felt forced to abruptly discontinue his press briefing. “I’m getting giddy, boys, I got to go sit down.”

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