Canadian Military Has Courage To Confront Its Stupidity

"Most of the Command are bumbling idiots, Sir"

Apr 8th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: News

Realizing it is about to spend $125,000,000.00 refitting torpedoes that cannot be fired from its beached fleet of used submarines, leading commanders in the Canadian military are confronting the fact that they are mostly idiots.

Rear Vice

“Tough one to face,” says Rear Vice General Vince Ntynschucksky, “but sometimes leadership means looking in the mirror and saying ‘who’s the fucking moron looking back at me?'”

Canadian military leadership is known to be adept at travel, fawning over the Americans and more recently convincing an even duller-witted Conservative Party leadership they knew what they are talking about.  “Seeing them around Ottawa, with such terrific posture and ironing, it was easy to mistake them for being competent,” says military analyst Anthony Hynes. “But a sharp crease in the trousers does not necessarily mean a sharp mind.”

“There have always been bone-headed boots in the ranks,” says Rear Vice General Ntynschucksky, “guys blowing themselves up, or making a show of themselves at a hotel pool. But we have not yet come to terms with the fact that the senior ranks all started down there.”

Institutional idiocy is a common feature of organizations of the Canadian state: the RCMP; the Department of Fisheries and Oceans; and the CBC are all known to be helmed by outrageously inept buffoons. “We haven’t got a monopoly on dummies in the Forces,” said the Rear Vice General. “They are studying the dreams of Jihadists over at CSIS, for pete’s sake. Nobody in uniform is that dim.”

One possible remedy being considered is a full frontal assault by the Canadian military on itself.  “No one knows our weaknesses better,” said the Rear Vice General, “though it is going to be bloody difficult to sneak up on ourselves. So mum’s the word, okay?”


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