NDP release “Campaign Rug”

"Platform" suggests hierarchy

Apr 11th, 2011 | By Coco Cabrera | Category: Uncategorized

NDP Leader Jack Layton

To sighs, vacant stares and a pervading sense of ennui, the NDP released its “Campaign Rug” yesterday. The NDP has decided the term “platform” can  imply one person being in a more elevated position than another and so is sort of contrary to the party’s vague pseudo-system of something almost resembling belief.  “A rug is also fuzzy,” said NDP spokestransgenderedperson Gerry Nice, “and flat and on the floor.  It’s us.”

The NDP rug was, as usual, another version of the platform the Liberals had stolen from them but announced earlier. “The big difference,” said Nice, “is that everyone knows the Liberals never mean what they say during a campaign.  With the NDP you have a solid commitment that we will carry this out when we get power. Which is, of course, never,” s/he added with a girl/boyish giggle.

The NDP Campaign Rug did everything it could to avoid any mention of “socialism” or “redistribution of wealth,” once cornerstones, or something not unlike components, of the Party’s philosophy or, more accurately, sort of general way of thinking. “Socialists? ” said Nice, “no socialists here. Don’t know what you’re talking about. Just ordinary Canadians doing their ordinary stuff. No working class rebels or trade unionists, no sir, just ordinary little old me-and-you-and-we-are-all-together. Did I just hear a cock crow?”

Despite pleas from his campaign organization, NDP leader Jack Layton played the guitar for reporters today in a continuing effort to demonstrate “ordinariness”.

“We remain resolutely in favour, not in a pushy way, of not running the country for the benefit of corporations. Not that big business is bad, only that it probably shouldn’t, in most circumstances, do it’s thing at the expense of ordinary stuff.”  This was as close to distinction from the ruling Conservatives as the NDP would come.  The Conservatives believe that the first obligation of Canadian citizens is to provide a safe environment and infrastructure for rapacious Multinational Corporations not to pay taxes.

“And we’ll never bar anybody from any of our hootenannies. Heck, I even know the chords to “Imagine”, so if Michael Ignatieff can figure it out on bass and Gilles Duceppe can pound the tubs, we could have a band! Then we’d all get along,” said Layton.

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